Basildon Watt glanced down. Brass jaws snapped shut inches below as the clockwork alligators strained for his feet. Maybe not the best day to show off his new hand-stitched brogues after all.
Not that he’d notice their demise. The scrolling laser would reach him well before one of the mechanical lizards got around to standing on it’s fellows.
“The orbital mining was obviously for the engagement ring, Don Pagliacci. But, why kidnap the world’s leading experts on Mustelidae?”
Pagliacci waved his cigar dramatically. “Isn’t it obvious, Mr Watt? I’m going to make the world an otter it can’t defuse!”
T’kjun pressed his flippers to the ice, shooting forward to the base of the berg. Harpoon cinched tight, he clambered up. The five heads that had shattered the ice had gone—for now. The tribe relied on him to find the bounty exposed by the breaking and to give warning if the five heads returned. He would not fail them.
Beak jutting, he crested the ridge and stopped in awe. Aqua green skin with markings of brown and beige. A mighty Vy’un Etta, flanks barely dusted with frost.
Raising his harpoon above his head, he signalled the mammoth handlers to advance.
Mixing Vegas flash with US anti-socialised health care, Lynn provides an amusing juxtaposition that reveals itself to be neither as laughable not as big a juxtaposition as the reader hoped; but remains darkly entertaining. …
You hear the jokes about spam email every day. Double-glaze your manhood. Gain longer Nigerian Prince.
And the worst are about psychic readings. Writes itself really.
I’ll let you into a secret. Psychics invented spam.
Think about it: it’s illegal in the UK and many other countries to sell genuine mediumship or other magical powers unless you can prove it works (at which point you might as well drive yourself to the nearest government blacksite).
Think about it: communication with a one-in-ten-million success rate. Who’s going to look for the real thing in there if they aren’t destined to look?
What was it like during the Transition?
When the Sorn told us we belonged to their Empire, we fought back.
Throw that orange at the wall as hard as you can.
Imagine the wall’s a Sorn Integrator and the orange is our best weapon.
Now imagine the wall sucks up that mess and spits out a clean power source while explaining our customs can be maintained.
The Sorn gave each nation 3 months to surrender. Most did.
Don’t know if America intended to defy them; but turned out the Sorn didn’t understand localisation so the US disappeared on day 37.
Following Jasper’s triumphant participation in Tummy Rub Tuesday on Katzenworld, Una claims she is even cuter*. …
Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.
– Ambrose Bierce
Yes, the title is a double entrendre.
“Preston Williams, your life is spent.”
That’s one realistic mask. Obviously, some new road safety campaign. “That’s not cool! Last thing I need is like a heart attack.”
Bony as fuck. Let’s see how committed they are. “If you’re Death, then you’ve got to let me play a game. Not chess. We’ll play Hide and Seek. You hide. If I find you, I win.”
“On one condition. My scythe is obvious enough you would find me easily; yet it cannot be left unattended.”
I take it and close my eyes.
When I open them, I know my duty.
A thousand feet scurry past.
Have you ever paused to appreciated a foggy night? The gentle caress of nothing across your skin?
Or smiled as the rain washed away the scurrying?
Can you imagine what it’s like to hear every heartbeat, see every pulse, in a world where everyone shouts and waves each moment to the heavens?
In my prime, I lurked in the shadows. Servants brought me swooning maidens. But there are no shadows left. And even swooning is done loudly.
Do you understand why I flee the sun?
The children of the day, what dreadful cacophony they make.
Do you find yourself needing to display the power and majesty of the Empire, without causing the more delicate members of your expedition to swoon at the sight of your power and majesty? I might have the solution.
I know I’ll be happier during an attack by chthonic entities knowing I don’t have to choose between taking the time to dress and having my valet shave me. And, as one of the first ten purchasers, the tailor added Tillighastification at no extra charge; so I’ll be equally protected against non-corporeal entities.