Twelve Rules for Life in an Uncaring Cosmos

All who bear the burden of unholy knowledge know that Yog-Sothoth, the gate and the key, is perceived in congruence, and that the reasoned half of the mind is our protection from horrific truths. Thus, when I encountered a headline about a forthcoming Lovecraftian project and read the producer not as Jordan Peele but as Jordan Peterson, I both quailed at the blasphemous congruence and felt compelled to explore this intersection. I was ill-prepared for the underlying truths revealed in Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life!

  1. Stand up straight with your shoulders back: Many unspeakable abominations are hunched, lack shoulders, or even bilateral symmetry. An upright posture that highlights your arms will therefore signal to others that you are likely to be human. Also, focusing on your posture will distract you from your surroundings, reducing the risk of perceiving the incomprehensible.

  2. Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping: The universe is an uncaring void, unaware of your existence and fundamentally not hospitable to humans; thus most beings are likely to have evolved entirely to solve issues that humans do not face, and any being capable of helping is, statistically, unlikely to even notice you require it. So, you are your only hope. Also, focusing on your need for help will distract your from false beliefs of exceptionalism, reducing the risk you will summon up some lively awfulness that you cannot put down.

  3. Make friends with people who want the best for you: First, your friends are likely to have privileged access to you and to be forgiven a certain oddity that would cause you to avoid a stranger; it is therefore vital you ensure your close acquaintances are not cultists seeking to lure you into sanity blasting rites. Second, your friends are likely to be the people who act if you start showing odd behaviour, so make sure they are the sort of people who will seek to get you the best medical help rather than treat your mental strain as a sign of low virtue.

  4. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today: many entities, both lone sorcerers and entire races, have methods of transferring minds, often combined with spanning the vastness of time. It is therefore vital to check your behaviour against past behaviour to ensure you are not succumbing to alien thoughts. However, do not investigate the oddities of others: the true histories show that, whether due to strange urban cults or MiGo visitations, getting involved in your friends sudden changes of personality is a recipe for disaster.

  5. Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them: We are already insignificant in a universe we cannot understand, so should not encourage our children in actions that weaken what trivial illusions of not being alone we have created. Also, if you do dislike your children you may be tempted to transfer your essence into their body should opportunity permit, which never ends well.

  6. Set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world: It is easy to imagine the cause of extra-dimensional incursion is degenerate foreigners and ill-educated rurals; however, ancient noble families are equally prone to non-human ancestry and academics just as prone to venturing outside the consensual lie of human consequence. So, make sure you are not part of the problem before you accuse anyone else. Also, ensuring that everything in your house is in exactly the correct position will prevent accidentally stepping through an angle between two objects into another realm.

  7. Pursue what is meaningful (not what is expedient): The most useful knowledge in existence is that of how things truly work. As humans are incapable of comprehending this and all attempts lead to awareness of our insignificance, the only sensible cause is to pursue the comfortable lie that certain thoughts and actions are meaningful.

  8. Tell the truth – or, at least, don’t lie: the best course of action is to hide within the comfortable insignificance of human history and society. However, if you do discover a fragment of the true nature of existence then do not attempt to conceal it; the world must be warned of any threat that is so easily found. Also, your behaviour and knowledge is likely to either lead you to cultists or medical intervention, so it’s best to trigger intervention as early as possible so you can get the most assistance with overcoming the symptoms of mental strain.

  9. Assume that the person you are listening to might know something you don’t: Cultists are everywhere. Often they do not have the decency to be degenerate to your face. So, assume everyone is party to occult secrets that have turned them, in philosophy if not ancestry, against human interests.

  10. Be precise in your speech: a single misspoken word might shatter the hyper-dimensional congruence that prevents intersection between unspeakable entities and flesh. While you will not—obviously—be performing rituals, being an example of clear and accurate diction at all times will instil the habit in others, increasing the chances that any cultists lurking within your acquaintance groups will not accidentally unleash the most squamous evils.

  11. Do not bother children when they are skateboarding: the combination of straight board and rolling wheel; neuroplasticity; the travelling of complex curves, often repeatedly; is this truth not so clear that I need not even write it!?

  12. Pet a cat when you encounter one on the street: the evidence is insurmountable that Lovecraft revealed the bleak truth of existence to us; assume he was right about cats too.

One thought on “Twelve Rules for Life in an Uncaring Cosmos

  1. Reblogged this on Davetopia and commented:

    Like many others in the United Kingdom, I hope our new overlords’ actions do bring great benefits to the entire nation. However, as I have mentioned previously, we cannot sit back and expect others to do everything for us. Thus, I thought I would reshare a relevant article on how we might each better prepare ourselves for the future:

    Like

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