The Only Threat Is Essex

While out shopping this morning, I discovered evidence that the New World Order are becoming bolder. Whether they have newly involved themselves in my local supermarket or expanded their operations, the signs of their presence are there for any not blinded by logic and reason.

On each pillars in the aisle containing kitchen roll, a large poster proclaimed the virtues of their roast chicken. On the surface, a trivial juxtaposition, perhaps suggesting after a moment that the posters are either the relics or precursors of yet another change in the layout of products. However, roast chicken and paper towels combined brings to mind wiping grease off fingers after eating with the hands, a more primal image of eating than that of using cutlery. Are they merely odd posters to have there? Or are they designed to strengthen the animal self, to make shoppers more open to instinctive reactions and less to considered thought?

One corner of a cold cabinet displays a Wi-Fi Available Here notice. Despite searching, I found no other notices. If they were trying to lure in customers with an added benefit, then they would mention it at the entrance to catch passers-by and in other places within the shop to strengthen the association. So, why only in one place? It could be others were intended, but putting up notices would not take long, so it would be unlikely I passed through after they had put that notice up but before they put up any others. The choice of location suggests a more sinister possibility. One of the common signs a computer has been infected is sluggish performance. However, electronic circuits can be more efficient in the cold. By having people connect in a cold part of the shop, they might steal processor cycles without being noticed.

One end of aisle display had a shelf devoted to three-packs of shoe polish. But not any shoe polish: powder pink shoe polish. A tin of black shoe polish lasts me long enough for several pairs of shoes that I can’t remember when I last bought one; three tins would be last me years. Of course, I don’t trek across rough ground on a daily basis; if I were in the military I might use a tin up faster. But powder pink is not a common colour for shoes and is even less common for serious outdoor boots, so there is only one explanation: the shop is supplying a unit of people who need to maintain a pastel wardrobe while constantly on the move through dirty terrain. Less Made in Chelsea than Maimed in Chelsea.

Compared to the discovery of these three clear conspiracies, the self-service checkout’s default of applying the carrier bag charge to anyone who didn’t scan their bag before starting rather than only those who requested a new bag at the end seemed trivial.

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