The Cult of Boy Bands

As a long time reader of Lovecraftian fiction, I have always believed I was aware of the threat of lurking cults. However, I might have failed to adequately prepare myself against those hiding in plain sight: boy bands.

Colgate have released a One Direction range. While I am not a fan, the mere fact something is a celebrity product does not make it automatically flawed. So, being a fair-minded person, I accepted a free sample of One Direction Toothpaste.

Unfortunately for my previously sorcery-free oral-hygiene regime, the product does exactly what it says on the packaging: moves in one direction only.

One Direction Toothpaste
The Arrow of Toothpaste
(©Dave Higgins – CC BY NC SA)

While it might be better English to call it Single Direction Toothpaste, this rhetorical critique has little real effect; maybe due to the strength of the magic; maybe because rhetoric is very hard when you have a toothbrush trapped in your mouth.

Despite much research, I have not found a counter-spell.

However, I have uncovered evidence the cult may have started with popular nineties beat-combo The Back Street Boys.

Clearly an attempt to convince people the evidence they are the objects of powerful magic is only a dream.

A second attempt to make the occult battle in our midst appear to be a wish-fulfilment fantasy.

With hindsight, the crowds of screaming followers and immense wealth should have been a dead give away.

I can feel the bristles beginning to wriggle.

It is too late for me…

Ia M’Kl’n! Hw’i D’rhw! N’gah Ktah! Kfhah’n R’cthudhn! Bhragn L’trwl!

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